Dear..Lord...No!
by F22wannabe
Summary: Three SPAM fics. More than a little off... but in a good way!


Dear.. Lord... No!

Three Short SPAMs 

By F22wannabe

Disclaimer: In the modern era, one's ideas - if worthy of attention - are protected by laws. It appears that some people have deemed the characters I use to be worthy of the enforcement of these laws. Apparently, if you give proper credit to the creators and owners, you don't face prosecution. Therefore, I claim no ownership, and use the characters contained within for soothing my own dementia. Aren't you glad I'm sharing?

  
  


Warning: The following are three short 'spam' fics - fics intended to amuse and generally brief in nature. If someone wants to try and make a series out of any of them, or even a one timer, go right ahead.

  
  


Episode One: Dear...

  
  


The Tendo family was in for a surprise...

*** 

Well, not really. The three girls, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane, had recently been informed of an impending marriage. One of them actually. To a boy they had never met, who was finishing a ten year martial arts training journey. So there were few things at present that could surprise them....or so they thought.

A humongous Panda bear forced its way through the hallway and into the living room, a large body draped over its shoulder. The girls huddled behind their father, seeking protection in case the beast turned violent. The animal, oblivious to their fright, plopped its burden in front of them.

Soun Tendo stared in wonder at the person before him, as did the girls behind him. His jaw opened and closed as words escaped him. The middle daughter spoke for him. "Are you Ranma?"

"Yes, I'm Ranma Saotome...and I'm sorry," he said scratching the back of his head nervously. His chuckling stopped abruptly and a change seemed to sweep through his body. His stance was now bolder, his large muscles flexing, straining his clothing. "Sorry you couldn't ze mah musclez zooner!" he cried, clothes exploding of him, leaving only bikini-style briefs to protect any sense of modesty.

***

And so, the Tendo family came to learn the true horrors of the "Spring of Drowned Austrian Body Builder."

  
  
  
  


Episode Two: ...Lord...

Ranma had managed to piss Akane off again. Tired of all her old return insults, Akane tried a new one as she malleted Ranma. "Ranma, you Stooge!"

Pulling himself from the body shaped crater he recently participated in creating, Ranma glared at Akane. "Akane, if you call me that again..."

Akane didn't need further invitation. Mallet swinging downward, she roared: "You Stupid STOOGE!" 

Ranma, beaten and worn, somehow managed to again claw his way out of the hole. His knees wobbled for bought a moment as he stood. "That's it you stupid tomboy! I'm gonna teach you a lesson!"

Akane was momentarily stunned that Ranma had bounced back from two of her malletings. "Teach me a lesson? HA! Fine! It'll feel good to mallet you into the ground a third time!" She swung again.

Ranma calmly stepped back, extending his arm so that the mallet hit his fist. The mallet spun his arm around with blinding speed, enough that a loud crack was heard as it whapped Akane on the head. Ranma continued the assault by sticking two fingers up Akane's nose, one for each nostril, then stretching it nearly a foot longer than normal. Quickly removing his fingers, Akane's nose snapped back, whip-lashing her head. For a finale, Ranma's right palm slapped one side of Akane's face, backhanding the other on the return stroke, so fast that Akane's face appeared to never move. Throughout the finishing move, Ranma could be heard to yell "Wohwohwohwohwohwohwohwoh!"

As Akane fell over in defeat, Ranma smirked at her. "Now you know what a 'stooge' can really do!" He walked off whistling.

A blanched Tendo turned to his long time friend, Genma. "What did your son just do to my daughter?"

Genma sweated nervously. "Tendo, old friend, did I forget to tell you I taught him Stooge-fu?"

  
  
  
  


Episode Three: ...No!

Ranma gaped at Akane, his angelic bride. The priest was almost ready to begin the ceremony when the dojo doors were busted down by his other fiances.

"Stop the ceremony!" Ukyo demanded.

"We haven't begun yet," the priest answered dumbly.

"Akane! This can't be what you really want!" Ukyo asked.

"..."

"Is it?"

"No," Akane said quietly. She rushed to the corner of a room where a large casket with Chinese symbols and a ladle sat. She hurriedly pried open the lid and filled the ladle, flinging the contents onto the startled girl. "Ukyo, you've always been the man for me!" she proclaimed, embracing the now male Ukyo tightly. 

Somehow, without extricating himself from the embrace, Ukyo filled the ladle and dumped it onto Akane. "And you too, Akane, have always been the man of my dreams!" They embraced each other even tighter now, if that was physically possible. They pulled back, stared one another in the eyes, and skipped into the sunset, hand in hand.

"Did I really just see that?" Ranma asked the equally stunned audience. Shaking himself out of his stupor, he grabbed Kasumi and placed her on the podium next to himself. "I know you love Tofu, Kasumi, but there is no way in hell I'm marrying any of them," he said, pointing to Shampoo, Nabiki, and Kodachi. "Or those guys," he gestured to Ryoga, Mousse, and Kuno. "So I'll marry you, then I'll have my girl-side marry Tofu. That way, you and I'll both be happy."

Kasumi smiled brightly. "That's so sweet of you, Ranma. And here I've always wanted to-"

The rest of Kasumi's sentence caused the group to facefault massively. Nobody ever suspected Kasumi thought about that kind of stuff. 

  
  


The End

  
  


Author's notes:

These were some ideas that wouldn't leave me alone. If they've been done before, please feel secure in the knowledge that I've never read them. I hope they were at least mildly humorous. They're one-shots, so any errors are pretty much here to stay. Meanwhile, just picture a Ranma running around looking, talking, and acting like Hans or Frans (old SNL skits). Anyway, I'll have more real fanfics coming sometime soon. 

Visit me at www.flamingwreckage.8m.com or email me at F22wannabe@aol.com. Please put the fic title in the header, or it will be deleted! I have enough trouble trying to get those nasty viruses off my skin, let alone out of my computer. Speaking of which, I need to go bleach myself. That should finally kill them all!

  
  


Quote of the fic:

"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say." 

-- Bill Clinton in 1993, Philadeplphia 


End file.
